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Married At First Sight: James Weir recaps episode 5

A Married At First Sight bride is so disappointed with the man she’s forced to wed on Sunday night she suffers a hysterical breakdown in scenes that are almost as shocking as the exposed open-room toilet we’re forced to witness later.

Guys, it’s that part of the series where producers introduce the two token old people. We knew it was only a matter of time.

Russell’s 37 and Beth’s 39. We’re not even there in person but we just know they both smell like hospital and microwaved Meals On Wheels.

JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Read all the recaps here

JAMES WEIR RECAPS: MAFS episode 4

Because this is a news website, it’s a requirement that the most important facts and details of a story be presented at the top, so here goes: Russell owns one of those electronic massage recliners – like the coin-operated ones in airports and shopping centres that we all have too much pride to use, even though we want to.

Russell has high standards. This is evident in both his interior design choices and his criteria for a mate.

“As long as she’s a normal human and not some kind of weirdo,” he shrugs.

That should be a selection filter on all dating apps: “Normal human, non-weirdo”.

Annnnd it comes as no surprise the vows he has written are … not … good?

“I, Russell, take you, Beth, to be my partner in … crime. Ah, I mean … life. I mean … wife. Phew. Ah, it appears auto-correct has really stepped it up a notch here,” he smirks, leaving a long silence for applause from the imaginary crowd.

“I promise to cherish and hold you … as much as my dirt bikes,” he pauses again for cheers from the crowd.

“I know having each other by our sides can only lead to greatness. And it would really help to have a spare pair of hands at the track when the racing’s on!” he giggles at his own terrible gag as Beth wonders if it’s too late to run away in the sand.

“Well done, well done to all the experts. Well done to everyone that’s involved. You’ve done well,” a satisfied Russell nods as he awaits calls from Netflix to contract him for a comedy special.

Beth, how are you feeling?

“He seems lovely but he’s not the type of guy I’d usually go for,” she stipulates. “I’m either gonna laugh or cry.”

Hey, you be nice to him. He can hook you up with a personal electronic massage recliner.

We shove Beth off down the beach to take the wedding photos and Russell is elated.

“I believe I’m starting to feel a connection with her,” he beams.

We feel it too!

The conversation with Russell is just electric. You can feel the sexual tension just bouncing off them.

“Did you have any requests for the food today?” he asks her.

“Yes. Um, I can’t eat gluten and dairy,” she replies. Ugh, TMI, Beth. “And I only eat seafood. So. What about you?”

Russell did in fact order specific food for the event. “I asked for hot chips.”

This should be a turning point in their love affair. The guy has just revealed that, not only does he own a personal electronic massage recliner, but he orders hot chips as an entire meal when he goes out to functions.

I WOULD MARRY THIS GUY IF HE WASN’T ALREADY MARRIED.

You better sort out your attitude, Bethany, because if you don’t want him, I’m swooping in.

“You wrote down ‘hot chips’ for lunch?” she squints.

Russell knows he’s nailing it.

“I do believe there’s a spark of chemistry. We’ll call it a slight smoulder at the moment. It could turn into a wild fire,” he winks at us and we give him a thumbs-up in return.

But Beth is not on the same page. She’s having a breakdown and we’re pretty sure it’s the hot chips that pushed her over the edge.

“This is not what I was expecting,” she sobs. “I feel like a sh*t person because I don’t have that feeling that I wanted to have!”

Honestly, we’re this close to pulling her aside and giving her a stern talking to.

Bethany, we’re gonna tell you something and we’re only gonna say it once. You’ve been gifted a magnificent man who has his own electronic massage recliner and thinks hot chips is a meal. Do you know how many people would kill to be in your position? All of us think Russell’s a catch!

We tell her to stop being a snob and then push her into the reception, which is incredibly awkward because coronavirus restrictions means there are no guests and it’s just the two of them.

Russell gets served some rubbish that’s definitely not hot chips.

“These are things I wouldn’t normally eat. Like, yellow carrots. Pink fish,” he lifts the slop with his fork.

We wouldn’t eat it either, Russell.

Of course Beth is still being a snob.

“I’m struggling with him as a person because I’ve never met someone like him. I’m hoping something will develop in terms of chemistry and physical attraction,” she says before laying down a threat. “I’m on the brink of getting up, walking away and getting on a plane and leaving this whole thing.”

Chained to her chair by producers, she copes the only way she knows how:

Meanwhile, there are two more sad sacks being married. They go by the names Belinda and Patrick. She says she’s never had a boyfriend and we just assume he’s never had a girlfriend.

It should come as no surprise that, at the wedding reception, she decides to perform an interpretative dance.

We try to wind it up but she just keeps flailing about.

We all react appropriately:

And their honeymoon together is about as sexy as that dance.

First of all, Patrick has an untamed clump of hair that’s standing up.

And when they check in to their honeymoon suite, they discover the bathroom is in the same room as the bedroom, sans dividing walls. The shower and the toilet are just plonked down right in the middle of the space.

“Is … is that … an open toilet? There’s no door,” Belinda shudders as she runs her palms up and down the walls in the hope of locating some kind of partition or curtain.

They’re both horrified.

“Going from meeting her yesterday to having a sh*t with no door? That’s one extreme to another,” Patrick says, his stubborn clump of hair still refusing to settle.

While Belinda and Patrick use Microsoft Excel to devise a schedule that dictates when they can each use the toilet without the other being in the room, we head back to dream couple Russell and Beth.

She’s still in a mood but then he gives her some jewellery that looks like it was bought on the TVSN channel and she knows she has to accept it and play nice.

Love’s such a beautiful thing to watch unfold. We see his-and-hers electronic massage recliners in their future.

Twitter, Facebook: @hellojamesweir


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